R.I.P.: Bullpen Crew Publishes Their Own Obituaries

People magazine's latest gaffe -- publishing a premature obituary for the legendary (and still-very-much-alive) actor Kirk Douglas -- got the Morning Bullpen crew thinking morbid thoughts.

If People (or any other supermarket periodical) were to write their obituaries, what would they say? What would each of them be remembered for?

Here's how it MIGHT turn out ...

RIK MIKALS

Rik Mikals, former radio legend and the voice for TV infomercials, died a tragic death while trying to save the one true love of his life …Phoebe.

Rik was known as a legend in the radio business. Working at KCLK, KMPS, KBKO, KFFM and 92.9 The Bull. His most recent and more memorable accomplishment was the voice for TV’s informercials -- The Snack Ease, Ronco Rotisserie and Rik’s favorite: pajama jeans.

Rik had a rough start in life being bounced around from foster home to foster home, but that’s where his competitive spirit was born and his nose to the grind stone work ethic.

Rik hated to lose at anything whether he was good at it or not. He even took it personally whenever his favorite football team -- the Dallas Cowboys -- lost, sometimes breaking down in tears and needing consolation with a hug from a lovely lady.

Rik was honored to wave his geek flag -- he loved all things superhero and "Star Wars," and he collected comic books. Rik’s most prized possession was the comic book Batman No. 69 valued at $34.

Rik’s famous "Rik rants" will be missed, as well as his useless knowledge of pointless information.

Rik was a good friend who was always there to listen, especially to the ladies (and even more so if you looked like Kelly Clarkson).

Rik leaves behind his son, Logan; his three ex-wives, Pokey, Megan and Josie; and his beloved dogs, Roxy, Barkley and Phoebe.

Rik’s vast estate has been willed to his precious love -- Phoebe -- who upon her death will be buried with her soul mate.

CEFUS

Former Yakima Mayor Micah Cawley passed away over the weekend after a short illness (we are still looking at WEB MD, so details are forthcoming).

Micah was born in Yakima in 1984 to a wonderful father, Dan, and what’s-her-name.

From an early age, Micah was a precocious child. He was filled with lots of energy and gumption and quickly discovered that his tongue usually ran faster than his brain -- a talent that would later get him into trouble frequently as he rose to prominence.

Unbeknownst to most of us, he was a heck of a baseball player. He did love "Star Wars" and wrestling and spent exorbitant amounts of money on his hobbies -- later liquidating his assets to run for the Yakima City Council and eventually seizing the mayorship in a thumb wrestling contest with Dave Ettl.

He juggled his radio career, city career and love for tighty-whiteys for many years.

In later years, the City Council caught him in the “salad eating scandal of 2015,” in which it was discovered that his fancy salt shaker was really filled with Morton’s salt. (You know: The can with the girl in the yellow raincoat on the label.)

Micah leaves behind his valued copy of "Pacific Northwest History" (the one with his name in it as mayor), 300 copies of the Yakima Herald-Republic and one soiled copy of the April Fools' day edition of The Yakima Business Times.

Donations and remembrances can be sent to the Gold Dust / Elton John / Yoda fund at US Bank in Yakima.

He'll be missed.

MICHELE MATHEWS

She died after being hit by Tim McGraw’s tour bus as the driver yelled "Get out of the way, lady!"

Michele loved life and loved her radio morning show partners even more. She had a fondness for Cefus, after finding out his mother left him behind at a young age. She enjoyed mothering the boy and making sure he had the love and affection that he needed. She put up with Rik just so she could get to the top of the business.

Michele was very passionate about the other man in her life, Alexander Skarsgard. She had a large movie poster she would stare at for hours in between looking at flashing screensavers of the sexy star. The day she received the Eric Northman “pop” doll in the mail from HBO she wept. She was so sad that she never got to meet the actor in person but now he can live a free safe life of not worrying about another crazy stalker.

Michele truly had a heart of gold and would put in extra hours to work on various charities and promotions like CMN Grateful Families with Super Sam, raising over $11,000. Michele also came up with the idea to live in a Bill Harris used car for 3 days to raise money and awareness for local food banks and charities. She even faced her fears of broadcasting from 150 feet in the air.

Although a mediocre radio talent who received questionable reviews from Jaye Albright and Becky Brenner, Michele finally opened up in the later years of her career and went on to lead the Morning Bullpen to victory in 12 consecutive books before winning the CMA for small-market personality of the year.