HEARTFELT OPEN LETTER TO THE A-HOLE TRYING TO STEAL MY CAR

Yakima has a notorious image of being a city where car thieves run amok. I live in Southwest Yakima and I have had my old 2007 PT Cruiser broken into so many times on my punch card that I am overdue for a free drink, or something like that.

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I recently had to surrender my hoopty for a new car because some idiot lady who was high literally backed up all the way across the street past a stop sign and rammed right into the front of my car in front of a pot shop next to Target. I, fortunately, had uninsured motorist coverage so I was able to get a meager check from my awesome car insurance company to compensate me for my totaled car. That glorious check enabled me to buy myself a new car, well, at least it was new to ME.

Photo by Jim Witkowski on Unsplash

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LOOKING FOR A NEW USED CAR IN YAKIMA

I looked around for a new car for weeks. I checked Facebook Marketplace and found the perfect car, at least I thought. After I had messaged the dealer with an inquiry, he told me that car had already been sold. I was grumpy and told him that he should at least have the decency to take that car listing off of Facebook! He told me that there were many other awesome cars on the lot and he sent me a few pictures. Those cars were boring to me so I told him that I was looking for a "sexy Mom car" with all-wheel drive. He sent me a picture of a car that fit my sexy description. I gave it a test drive the next day and voila, I am the proud owner of that new car.

I CAUGHT A WOULD-BE CAR THIEF IN THE ACT

Just a few minutes ago, I walked outside to relax on my patio, which happens to give me a view of my parking spot underneath the carport. As I was relaxing on my patio bench, I began to hear loud music that was getting closer and closer. It was a dude on a bike. He had a boom box attached to his handlebars.

Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash

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This dude was cruising through the alley next to my carport and I could see the top of his skullcap approaching my new vehicle. He saw me staring right at him and then he pulled a U-ey and reversed his bike and rode off into the opposite direction.

If I hadn't been sitting on my patio, he would have likely tried to break into my car!

Boy, I will jump over my brick fence and come at you like a spider monkey if you try to break into my new ride. I have worked hard and suffered plenty just to save up enough down payment on that thing, and my new alarm system is ready to beep at you like an air horn.

Don't. Try. Me.

This is 2022 and Yakima car owners aren't playing that crap anymore.

If you need a new car alarm to help ward off would-be car thieves in the night, might I suggest these local retailers who can get you equipped with alarm systems and weapons protections that are legal to own in Washington state?