The Christmas spirit is a special light that shines within us this time of year.

But mine seems to be on dim.

I'm normally the one in my family pushing to get the Christmas lights up on the house, get the Christmas tree decorated as well as the inside of the house. This year it's my husband who is having to push me to help get the Christmas decorations going.

He's normally the Grinchy one. This year our roles have reversed. I'm not necessarily Grinchy, I just can't get my Christmas spirit light on bright.

I know that I need to turn that Christmas spirit on for my kids, but nothing seems to be sparking that light. Not my favorite Christmas songs, cookies or the decorations. Not even shopping for Christmas gifts can do the trick! I'm usually the one who comes up with the perfect gift for each family member, but this year I've got nothing.

It's not like I don't know why my Christmas spirit is on dim. I know why. It will be the first Christmas without my dad. It's been a little over two months since his unexpected death. It's the start of many firsts without him. We celebrated the first Thanksgiving without him. I'll celebrate my birthday without him in a couple of days. And so on and so forth.

I've had various family members tell me to pull up my Santa boots, slap on my Santa hat and suck it up! Others have said that will be difficult for a while and that my Christmas light might never shine as bright again.

I get that I'm grieving. Some days I just want to stay in bed, but I can't. I just go through the motions of the day.

Faith Hill's song, "Where Are You Christmas?" really hits home. And yes, it makes me cry when I hear it.

I'm not one to give up, though, so I'll keep searching for that Christmas spirit. Hopefully my light will shine bright again.