Spouse for Sale: If You Were Writing an Ad, What Would It Say?

In India, the police are investigating a wife being placed for sale on Facebook by her debt-ridden husband. Authorities believe he was trying to pay off his credit card bills, but the husband is claiming that someone hacked his account and placed the ad.

So I decided to write an ad placing Rik up for sale. Then ... our spouses (who rarely chime in) wrote their own ads for Rik and myself.

The ad I wrote for Rik:

For sale – neutered middle-aged male. Brown eyes, brown hair and average height. Skilled at lying around lapping up Mountain Dew. Can get a little bit lippy and yappy. Just pet him in the right places and you’ll have him eating out of the palm of your hand. Will trade for tall, middle-aged male. Must have a beard.

The ad Rik's wife wrote for him:

Loving husband who will will clean once a year, but make sure he gives you a map of where he put things. When tasking him with jobs, give him frequent breaks ... for every hour of work he should get a five-hour break and a Mountain Dew. On second thought, you might as well do it yourself. If you are looking for someone who loves to talk, he is the perfect companion ... just make sure to tune into 92.9 The Bull because that's the only time you get to hear him.

My husband's ad for me:

Extremely hot wife who knows all the right things to do for sexy time. Upgrades include a new rack. Have receipts...
Purchaser must be tall and middle-age, with a big checkbook (she is expensive to maintain). If not famous you will have to share her attention and focus. This is only a part-time gig due to her girl time.

What would your ad say if you tried to sell your partner?